Okay, so I am in a much better place now - just a few short hours after the monster moment. I have to tell you, it is so scary to have it feel like it just comes over me like that.
I took some medicine and went to bed for an hour, got up and went to our small group meeting. I'm so thankful to say that God showed up. There were a few people who shared and we all had an underlying issue in common. Spiritual warfare is alive and well. When I am in the moment, as I was this afternoon, I have a difficult time seeing it. Now that I am past it, it is vividly clear.
It is so encouraging to me to hear that other people struggle with things. It may not be exactly the same, but similar enough that we can relate to one another. I am thankful for these friends that God has blessed me with. Thankful that we can carry one another's burdens, thankful that we can lift each other up to the one who restores.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Living with Purpose
This is a recurring theme in my life as long as I can remember. Even though the seasons of my life have changed consistently, the one thing that continues in steadfast determination is this drive. Every time I find myself at a crossroads, or faced with a big decision I come back to the foundation of what I believe to be true. Jeremiah 29:11. He does have a plan for me. I know, that I know, that I know this is true. I've even seen glimpses along the way of how He has paved the road before.
My good friend, Brian Rose preached yesterday on two verses in Ephesians. These two verses had so much meat in them that I felt that it was worthwhile for me to just spend some time in Jesus' presence and process them.
Ephesians 5:15-17
New International Version (NIV)
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.
The following quote is from Brian and displays a filter-effect in decision making. Not every decision is layed out for us in black and white. But, yet we are called to live as wise. How do we know what we should do in those situations? I loved this!
"In light of my past experiences,
my current circumstances,
and my future hopes and dreams,
what is the wise thing to do?"
Of course in the nature of his sermon, he presented various examples of how this could be applied. I am thinking more personally in my own life and the decisions I am facing. There were so many pieces of wisdom to take from this message, but the other one that made a profound impact is the idea that our lives are defined by a dash. We are born - we die. On our headstone, our life is summed up in numbers and a little bitty line. I want my dash to be an exclamation point!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Love-My-Life Kind of Day
Every once in awhile, you have one of those days. You know what I'm talking about, it just seems like things work out well. You start and finish the day with the energy you need, you feel good, you might even feel happy. Stress isn't weighing you down, you might have even been encouraged or encouraged someone else that day. In the end you showed love to each of your kids and as an added bonus, they are all getting along.
Today was such a day. I slept in after staying up late working on homework. I had ambitious plans to accomplish way more than my brain could handle today, so I let go of the high expectations. I enjoyed time with each of my kids throughout the day, even got some laundry done. In the late afternoon, Jay informed me that it looked like their "guy's movie night" may be working out tonight. I was able to quickly switch my plans from locking myself away in my room and pounding the keyboard with research and APA citations, to taking my kids out for pizza.
We went to our local Pizza Shoppe. I love to eat there. They are never too busy, there is always enough space and it isn't taken over by televisions. The atmosphere is perfect for playing cards, which we did. We've done this before, we wait for our pizza while playing Go Fish and Uno. Hannah and I even ordered our own pizza just the way we wanted it... Hawaiian!
After dinner, and a never-ending game of Uno - in which we all decided Palmer won, even though no one ran out of cards, we drove across the street to Price Chopper. I pulled up a recipe for chocolate ice cream sodas on my phone. For some reason, we are all hooked on these things. $30 later, we have all the ingredients (expensive, huh!), and we head home to start chilling our soda water. About this time, I'm really missing Jay. He is usually the fun one, and I am usually the tag-along parent, but tonight, I got to be fun, and I missed Jay being a part of it.
I know he is having fun with his guy friends, and time apart from the family usually makes us more appreciative of it, so I am happy for him. Well, the soda should be about ready, so we'll go make our dessert and find some AFV to watch, or laugh at Lilly, because she is funnier than t.v. any day!
Today was such a day. I slept in after staying up late working on homework. I had ambitious plans to accomplish way more than my brain could handle today, so I let go of the high expectations. I enjoyed time with each of my kids throughout the day, even got some laundry done. In the late afternoon, Jay informed me that it looked like their "guy's movie night" may be working out tonight. I was able to quickly switch my plans from locking myself away in my room and pounding the keyboard with research and APA citations, to taking my kids out for pizza.
We went to our local Pizza Shoppe. I love to eat there. They are never too busy, there is always enough space and it isn't taken over by televisions. The atmosphere is perfect for playing cards, which we did. We've done this before, we wait for our pizza while playing Go Fish and Uno. Hannah and I even ordered our own pizza just the way we wanted it... Hawaiian!
After dinner, and a never-ending game of Uno - in which we all decided Palmer won, even though no one ran out of cards, we drove across the street to Price Chopper. I pulled up a recipe for chocolate ice cream sodas on my phone. For some reason, we are all hooked on these things. $30 later, we have all the ingredients (expensive, huh!), and we head home to start chilling our soda water. About this time, I'm really missing Jay. He is usually the fun one, and I am usually the tag-along parent, but tonight, I got to be fun, and I missed Jay being a part of it.
I know he is having fun with his guy friends, and time apart from the family usually makes us more appreciative of it, so I am happy for him. Well, the soda should be about ready, so we'll go make our dessert and find some AFV to watch, or laugh at Lilly, because she is funnier than t.v. any day!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Would I Know You?
If I saw you face to face, experienced the miracles that you performed first-hand, would I know you? Would you have to convince me that you are You? Would I be skeptical and discredit you like the Pharisees, or would I know, trust, believe and follow like the disciples?
Would I be as loyal to you as I have been to imperfect humans, incapable of healing, restoring, or saving my soul? It occurs to me how hard you had to work to explain who you were to people who didn't believe.
Your Word teaches that we have a choice. As in Matthew 7:24... 24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock."
It isn't enough to just hear the message of Jesus. We have to act on the message. That action is rejection or acceptance. Rejection is likened to building a house on sand. Acceptance is building a house on the firm foundation of The Rock. It is a gift, there is nothing we can do to earn or deserve the gift Jesus gave. (this is grace) But we have to acknowledge and accept it.
If we didn't have to accept it, everyone who says, "Lord, Lord" would be saved.
The truth is, I see the evidence of your presence in the world around me. I have witnessed first-hand your miracles surrounding my life. And this is enough for me.
Would I be as loyal to you as I have been to imperfect humans, incapable of healing, restoring, or saving my soul? It occurs to me how hard you had to work to explain who you were to people who didn't believe.
Your Word teaches that we have a choice. As in Matthew 7:24... 24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock."
It isn't enough to just hear the message of Jesus. We have to act on the message. That action is rejection or acceptance. Rejection is likened to building a house on sand. Acceptance is building a house on the firm foundation of The Rock. It is a gift, there is nothing we can do to earn or deserve the gift Jesus gave. (this is grace) But we have to acknowledge and accept it.
If we didn't have to accept it, everyone who says, "Lord, Lord" would be saved.
The truth is, I see the evidence of your presence in the world around me. I have witnessed first-hand your miracles surrounding my life. And this is enough for me.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sisters!
This weekend marks the 6th annual Sister Retreat in my family. My mother and aunt, along with myself and two sisters embark on a weekend of relaxation, spa treatment and as much poolside time as we can get. Usually we congregate at The Elms Resort and Spa in Excelsior Springs, Missouri. One year we gathered in Wichita to surprise my older sister with a "Boston Marathon" themed retreat. (She was running in the marathon a month later).
The Elms is a special place to us, as my mom and aunt have memories of their grandmother working there when they were children. It is a beautiful, old, quaint, and fairly quiet place to find reprieve.
The five of us travel from 4 different states to mingle alone, unhindered by responsibilities, or expectations. We plan for this all year, and before we check out, we put our next dates on the calendar.
This is the most significant tradition we have had in our family, and it is a keeper. Each year we seem to grow closer and the memories we share mark time as we slowly age together on our individual journeys. I wanted to take this opportunity to document our tradition, as we are not promised to see the sun rise on our tomorrow. But for now, the sun has set on another weekend of memories.
The Elms is a special place to us, as my mom and aunt have memories of their grandmother working there when they were children. It is a beautiful, old, quaint, and fairly quiet place to find reprieve.
The five of us travel from 4 different states to mingle alone, unhindered by responsibilities, or expectations. We plan for this all year, and before we check out, we put our next dates on the calendar.
This is the most significant tradition we have had in our family, and it is a keeper. Each year we seem to grow closer and the memories we share mark time as we slowly age together on our individual journeys. I wanted to take this opportunity to document our tradition, as we are not promised to see the sun rise on our tomorrow. But for now, the sun has set on another weekend of memories.
Friday, May 6, 2011
For my Mom
I guess it is about time. I am starting to appreciate my mother. I know every year, we all say it, and there is some pressure for us to find just the right card and acknowledge the holiday... I don't do well with pressure. Every May I do the same thing, become paralyzed, feel guilty, apologize for my lack of effort, wish her a Happy Mother's Day, exhale, and move on to start the roller coaster in June.
Mom, I'm sorry. You deserve more from me than a generic half-hearted effort. I will choose to get over the fact that I didn't invent this holiday and have no control over it - thus the pressure. Aren't I arrogant?
And, you love me anyway.
That's just it, we've had a lot of difficult conversations in my adult life, and you have never stopped loving me. I pushed you away for awhile so I could work out my stuff, and you waited patiently for me to come back.
There was a time for me to deal with things in my life that God allowed, in order to grow me. Now is a time for me to be "radically honest" about some of the things you did that were so right.
First of all, I have never heard you utter a negative word about anyone. Ever. Sighing a little frustration about an over-demanding boss doesn't count. You have never spoken down of anyone.
You have never pointed out my weaknesses. Boy, there is a lot that you could have said over the years, but you always give me the benefit of the doubt and let me talk, never squelching my sensitive spirit. You have told me that you think I'm a strong person. I have to tell you that you make me feel like a strong person.
I thought I had all the answers when I first had kids (again, so arrogant), but I'm realizing every year that goes by what a difficult job this is. Thanks for not giving up on us.
I have taken you for granted for a long time.. Again, I apologize, knowing that you will forgive me. :)
A co-worker last week mentioned how much she misses her mom, who has been gone for many years. I am thankful that I still have you. Thanks for being my mom.
Mom, I'm sorry. You deserve more from me than a generic half-hearted effort. I will choose to get over the fact that I didn't invent this holiday and have no control over it - thus the pressure. Aren't I arrogant?
And, you love me anyway.
That's just it, we've had a lot of difficult conversations in my adult life, and you have never stopped loving me. I pushed you away for awhile so I could work out my stuff, and you waited patiently for me to come back.
There was a time for me to deal with things in my life that God allowed, in order to grow me. Now is a time for me to be "radically honest" about some of the things you did that were so right.
First of all, I have never heard you utter a negative word about anyone. Ever. Sighing a little frustration about an over-demanding boss doesn't count. You have never spoken down of anyone.
You have never pointed out my weaknesses. Boy, there is a lot that you could have said over the years, but you always give me the benefit of the doubt and let me talk, never squelching my sensitive spirit. You have told me that you think I'm a strong person. I have to tell you that you make me feel like a strong person.
I thought I had all the answers when I first had kids (again, so arrogant), but I'm realizing every year that goes by what a difficult job this is. Thanks for not giving up on us.
I have taken you for granted for a long time.. Again, I apologize, knowing that you will forgive me. :)
A co-worker last week mentioned how much she misses her mom, who has been gone for many years. I am thankful that I still have you. Thanks for being my mom.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Passionate about being passionate
What do I want to be about? I am challenged by this question on several levels. In church today, I was thinking about what is it that I am more passionate about than seeking Jesus? I love Jesus, don't get me wrong... I love to worship, grow and be challenged to walk the talk. Is my pursuit of Jesus the biggest thing in my life though? What takes first place?
First place is probably tied across several areas... I am passionate about education. Early childhood education specifically. I don't know why, but I become irritated when I see educational practices that are not appropriate. The educational system in general is greatly flawed. This is why reform keeps happening. We can't seem to perfect the "system," partly because we do have to "systemize" it.
Advocating for children is another passion of mine. Children who do not have a voice and are trapped in situations that they are not responsible for. From irresponsible parents to commercialized sex slaves, I want to change the world - but alas, it is much too big for me.
Marriage is another passion of mine. Seeing couples growing in unity together, living out marriage the way God intended. Working through stuff, being real and vulnerable with each other, building each other up. Too many people live in insecurity within the most precious relationship they should have. They react out of self-preservation and attack instead of protect. Your spouse is not your enemy, but there is one who has determined to make you think otherwise.
One way to identify passion is to determine what gets your goat. What makes you mad? What irritates you? It doesn't matter how noble the cause, if it takes a stride ahead of my desire for Jesus, it is not properly prioritized.
First place is probably tied across several areas... I am passionate about education. Early childhood education specifically. I don't know why, but I become irritated when I see educational practices that are not appropriate. The educational system in general is greatly flawed. This is why reform keeps happening. We can't seem to perfect the "system," partly because we do have to "systemize" it.
Advocating for children is another passion of mine. Children who do not have a voice and are trapped in situations that they are not responsible for. From irresponsible parents to commercialized sex slaves, I want to change the world - but alas, it is much too big for me.
Marriage is another passion of mine. Seeing couples growing in unity together, living out marriage the way God intended. Working through stuff, being real and vulnerable with each other, building each other up. Too many people live in insecurity within the most precious relationship they should have. They react out of self-preservation and attack instead of protect. Your spouse is not your enemy, but there is one who has determined to make you think otherwise.
One way to identify passion is to determine what gets your goat. What makes you mad? What irritates you? It doesn't matter how noble the cause, if it takes a stride ahead of my desire for Jesus, it is not properly prioritized.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
What is Kindergarten?
Play is the purest, most spiritual activity of man at this stage and, at the same time, typical of human life as a whole—of the inner hidden natural life in man and all things. It gives, therefore, joy, freedom, contentment, inner and outer rest, peace with the world. It holds the sources of all that is good. A child that plays thoroughly, with self-active determination, persevering until physical fatigue forbids, will surely be a thorough, determined man, capable of self-sacrifice for the promotion of the welfare of himself and others. Is not the most beautiful expression of child-life at this time a playing child?—a child wholly absorbed in his play?—a child that has fallen asleep while so absorbed?
As already indicated, play at this time is not trivial, it is highly serious and of deep significance. Cultivate and foster it, O mother; protect and guard it, O father!" The name Friedrich Froebel gave to his system of education for children ages three through six; means “garden of children.”
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Saturday, March 12, 2011
Millions are suffering while I clean my light fixtures...
Yes, I am spring cleaning. I was thinking about all the troubling, heart wrenching things going on in our world. The tsunami that has brought with it loads and loads of devestating destruction, the sex trafficking epidemic, seeing in print yesterday that 1 in 6 Americans are hungry... All of this is going on while I tediously take my light fixtures apart and hand wash each and every fixture piece.
I was just commenting earlier today that I don't know where to start with all the needs... what should I do? I don't feel like I have time, and yet with the first few hours I find without homework - I am cleaning my light fixtures.
Something is so wrong with the way we live here. Middle Class Suburban America - we gave our Saturday away to maintaining the central vac, cleaning carpets, dusting ceiling fans, scouring window sills and cleaning light fixtures. All of these things have to be done in order to be good stewards of the things we have, but our priorities are askew. In fact, we are waaayyy off target.
The problem is, when Jesus commands us to sell all that we have and follow Him, does He mean it literally in our culture? Am I so caught up in fear and comfort that I refuse to acknowledge that command for what it is?
It seems easier to think in terms like these if I was feeling called to serve in a bush country somewhere overseas where people survive in huts with dirt floors on a daily basis. Yes, Jesus, I will follow you there. But, He is calling me to follow Him HERE, and I can't figure out what that really looks like.
I was just commenting earlier today that I don't know where to start with all the needs... what should I do? I don't feel like I have time, and yet with the first few hours I find without homework - I am cleaning my light fixtures.
Something is so wrong with the way we live here. Middle Class Suburban America - we gave our Saturday away to maintaining the central vac, cleaning carpets, dusting ceiling fans, scouring window sills and cleaning light fixtures. All of these things have to be done in order to be good stewards of the things we have, but our priorities are askew. In fact, we are waaayyy off target.
The problem is, when Jesus commands us to sell all that we have and follow Him, does He mean it literally in our culture? Am I so caught up in fear and comfort that I refuse to acknowledge that command for what it is?
It seems easier to think in terms like these if I was feeling called to serve in a bush country somewhere overseas where people survive in huts with dirt floors on a daily basis. Yes, Jesus, I will follow you there. But, He is calling me to follow Him HERE, and I can't figure out what that really looks like.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Why? But for Freedom.
I was thinking about this conversation that I've started about my dad. Thank you Mom, for your comment, I know it pushes you out of your comfort zone to post it here.
Why do I feel the need to address these things that surface in my life, instead of letting them go and forcing myself past them. Because I am feeling prompted to deal with this relationship, it will likely cause me to be severely uncomfortable and may even be painful. But, why do I push myself to dig to the roots and figure it out? It is because I want to live out my freedom in Christ. I know in my head that I am free in Him, but if I am carrying all the weight of the baggage that surfaces, I am not capable of living in that complete and total freedom.
When I have scraped the scab off of a wound, and treated the oozing painful mess underneath it, the freedom that comes from living without the bandage is so worth it. That is what we do in life. We bandaid our issues and carry the baggage and every once in awhile the stuff oozes out and we wipe it away. Sometimes we even change the bandaids, but nothing lasts forever. It will continue to ail us until we have dealt fully with the issue.
One layer at a time. God has never asked me to deal with more than one scab at a time. Some are bigger than others, but they are all nasty, crusty, ugly things that fester underneath.
Okay, I think I've made my point with this word picture. I feel like I need some peroxide and antibiotic ointment...
Why do I feel the need to address these things that surface in my life, instead of letting them go and forcing myself past them. Because I am feeling prompted to deal with this relationship, it will likely cause me to be severely uncomfortable and may even be painful. But, why do I push myself to dig to the roots and figure it out? It is because I want to live out my freedom in Christ. I know in my head that I am free in Him, but if I am carrying all the weight of the baggage that surfaces, I am not capable of living in that complete and total freedom.
When I have scraped the scab off of a wound, and treated the oozing painful mess underneath it, the freedom that comes from living without the bandage is so worth it. That is what we do in life. We bandaid our issues and carry the baggage and every once in awhile the stuff oozes out and we wipe it away. Sometimes we even change the bandaids, but nothing lasts forever. It will continue to ail us until we have dealt fully with the issue.
One layer at a time. God has never asked me to deal with more than one scab at a time. Some are bigger than others, but they are all nasty, crusty, ugly things that fester underneath.
Okay, I think I've made my point with this word picture. I feel like I need some peroxide and antibiotic ointment...
Friday, February 25, 2011
Truth and Encouragement
It occurred to me after talking to a friend, that one can only truly be encouraged by truth. We can say nice things to each other and try to lift one's spirits, but from the core level - only truth will really build one up. Take for instance a situation where a friend is facing a dead marriage. According to the world's standards, this marriage was over years ago. This friend has stuck with it, riding the waves of pain, frustration and heartache. She has grieved over her broken dreams and had to realize that her life has been forever changed, and not by any choice she made for herself.
She is committed to being the wife God has called her to be. Even if her husband isn't acting the way he should be. This is the "for better, for worse" part of the vow. This is worse. She has run the gamut of emotions from sorrow to anger and back again. Each day, she tries to see past her sadness, past her circumstances to find the joy that only the Lord can give her. It is an amazing journey to watch, to be invited to participate in with her. It is a divine privilege that I don't take lightly. There have been times that I wanted to go and pack up this man, who I love like a brother, and move him out myself. But, my job is to encourage her in her journey. Who am I to encourage one to walk out on a promise to God Himself.
As I pray for this couple, for healing, restoration, forgiveness and peace - I am also reminded to pray that God would give my friend guidance and joy that only He can give. That is the beautiful thing about God's joy - it is not reliant on our circumstances. May He draw each of them to Himself, above all else.
What is the truth in this situation? This is a question we have come back to a million times. The truth is: God is sovereign. If God is sovereign, then He divinely purposed these two to become one in marriage. Marriage was God's idea, not that we would live as separate people trying to row the same boat, or different boats, but that we would become one, rowing the same boat. Each member of the marriage has divine purpose, different giftings and weaknesses. It isn't supposed to be easy, we're not supposed to be able to figure it out without the Creator's intervention. We can't love without his help, we certainly can't experience true "oneness" without Him.
The fact that these two haven't given up over the years of pain they have endured is a modern day miracle. I can't wait to see how God is going to glorify Himself in this.
She is committed to being the wife God has called her to be. Even if her husband isn't acting the way he should be. This is the "for better, for worse" part of the vow. This is worse. She has run the gamut of emotions from sorrow to anger and back again. Each day, she tries to see past her sadness, past her circumstances to find the joy that only the Lord can give her. It is an amazing journey to watch, to be invited to participate in with her. It is a divine privilege that I don't take lightly. There have been times that I wanted to go and pack up this man, who I love like a brother, and move him out myself. But, my job is to encourage her in her journey. Who am I to encourage one to walk out on a promise to God Himself.
As I pray for this couple, for healing, restoration, forgiveness and peace - I am also reminded to pray that God would give my friend guidance and joy that only He can give. That is the beautiful thing about God's joy - it is not reliant on our circumstances. May He draw each of them to Himself, above all else.
What is the truth in this situation? This is a question we have come back to a million times. The truth is: God is sovereign. If God is sovereign, then He divinely purposed these two to become one in marriage. Marriage was God's idea, not that we would live as separate people trying to row the same boat, or different boats, but that we would become one, rowing the same boat. Each member of the marriage has divine purpose, different giftings and weaknesses. It isn't supposed to be easy, we're not supposed to be able to figure it out without the Creator's intervention. We can't love without his help, we certainly can't experience true "oneness" without Him.
The fact that these two haven't given up over the years of pain they have endured is a modern day miracle. I can't wait to see how God is going to glorify Himself in this.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Brain Dump
Okay, so this is all pretty random, but it is everything I'm thinking about...
First of all, I am so thankful to feel cherished. I am reading, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I have barely begun, but already have read enough chew on a little. The authors mention that every little girl has the desire to be precious to her daddy. I didn't have this experience and instead looked for that precious identity in other males.
What a blessing that God gave me a man who considers me to be precious. I feel truly cherished even when I don't deserve the attention and even when I make life harder on him. This thought process takes me back to needing to figure out what to do with the wound left by an absent father. I desire to put it all aside and let it go, but it isn't realistic and what would Jesus have me to do? I don't harbor bitterness and I have, and continue to, forgive him. It is more like a continual rejection. A hurt that pains me deeply. If he weren't living, I would grieve my loss and move forward, but instead I feel paralyzed and protective all at the same time. I don't want to write him off, I figure he probably has a story too, right? But, I do wonder if he cares. Does he ever think of me? Does he feel pain over this relationship too, or has he so detached himself that he is numb.
Okay, on to the next one. My heart hurts for my several friends who are currently laboring in their marriages. Each situation is unique, and yet there are several common denominators. Selfishness being at the core of most marriage problems, it is the hardest to deal with. I know, I am the most selfish person in my marriage. I hold on to my selfishness and think I have "rights." Really, it is about serving the other person, always putting their needs first and not letting the little things build up. Treating each other with respect and only speaking kind or encouraging words.
Marriage isn't disposable. It is permanent. It is interesting that the people I encounter who end up breaking up their family aren't really happy either. They usually end up becoming bitter and closed off emotionally. I wish people were willing to get help. To dig deep and do whatever necessary to not allow a family to be broken apart. I haven't walked a mile in anyone's shoes, so I don't intend for any of this to sound judgemental or critical. It is just that from my observations, the pursuit of personal happiness is an empty search.
Brain Dump - successful, time for sleep.
First of all, I am so thankful to feel cherished. I am reading, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I have barely begun, but already have read enough chew on a little. The authors mention that every little girl has the desire to be precious to her daddy. I didn't have this experience and instead looked for that precious identity in other males.
What a blessing that God gave me a man who considers me to be precious. I feel truly cherished even when I don't deserve the attention and even when I make life harder on him. This thought process takes me back to needing to figure out what to do with the wound left by an absent father. I desire to put it all aside and let it go, but it isn't realistic and what would Jesus have me to do? I don't harbor bitterness and I have, and continue to, forgive him. It is more like a continual rejection. A hurt that pains me deeply. If he weren't living, I would grieve my loss and move forward, but instead I feel paralyzed and protective all at the same time. I don't want to write him off, I figure he probably has a story too, right? But, I do wonder if he cares. Does he ever think of me? Does he feel pain over this relationship too, or has he so detached himself that he is numb.
Okay, on to the next one. My heart hurts for my several friends who are currently laboring in their marriages. Each situation is unique, and yet there are several common denominators. Selfishness being at the core of most marriage problems, it is the hardest to deal with. I know, I am the most selfish person in my marriage. I hold on to my selfishness and think I have "rights." Really, it is about serving the other person, always putting their needs first and not letting the little things build up. Treating each other with respect and only speaking kind or encouraging words.
Marriage isn't disposable. It is permanent. It is interesting that the people I encounter who end up breaking up their family aren't really happy either. They usually end up becoming bitter and closed off emotionally. I wish people were willing to get help. To dig deep and do whatever necessary to not allow a family to be broken apart. I haven't walked a mile in anyone's shoes, so I don't intend for any of this to sound judgemental or critical. It is just that from my observations, the pursuit of personal happiness is an empty search.
Brain Dump - successful, time for sleep.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Perspective is Everything
I just read a post by a friend referencing the depravity of man. His post made me stop in my irritated, tired tracks for a minute to refocus my perspective on what really matters. I have had a busy day, I feel like I cannot get caught up on my housework, homework, lesson plans etc. Too many things to think about, not enough brain power. What happens when the circuit is overloaded? It shuts down. That is what I want to do.
I was headed to the couch to spend some time recharging my spiritual life when I popped on the computer real quick and read his post. Right, right, it isn't about me. God doesn't care if my house isn't vacuumed or even if my vacuum has been sitting in the middle of the living room for a week waiting for me to walk by and turn it on. He wants me to care for my family. He doesn't care if I have the best lesson plans and most creative lessons ready for school, he wants me to love the little people in my class. He doesn't care if I maintain a 4.0 gradepoint, He wants me to be ready to be used when he places a new calling on my life.
He doesn't want me to be distracted by, or feel pressure because of the technology in front of me, He wants me to spend time with Him... thanks John!
I was headed to the couch to spend some time recharging my spiritual life when I popped on the computer real quick and read his post. Right, right, it isn't about me. God doesn't care if my house isn't vacuumed or even if my vacuum has been sitting in the middle of the living room for a week waiting for me to walk by and turn it on. He wants me to care for my family. He doesn't care if I have the best lesson plans and most creative lessons ready for school, he wants me to love the little people in my class. He doesn't care if I maintain a 4.0 gradepoint, He wants me to be ready to be used when he places a new calling on my life.
He doesn't want me to be distracted by, or feel pressure because of the technology in front of me, He wants me to spend time with Him... thanks John!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
How time flies...
I just signed Hannah up for Babysitting Classes. Is it possible that I actually have a child old enough to learn CPR and care for other people's children??! She is getting braces next week, her sweet childish face is growing into that of a beautiful young lady. Wasn't I just babysitting not so long ago...?
So many changes. On the other end of the spectrum, my baby is getting geared up for kindergarten. She already has her new back pack and decided to give up her "wa-wa" which means giving up her thumb-sucking... I cannot believe it. She was stretching this morning and informed me that when she stretches she grows, and then on her birthdays, she gets older. She is wise beyond her years, for sure!
I don't want to miss of course, my middle boy. He is steady as the day is long, at some point, I'm going to look "up" to him and wonder where his childhood went. Hopefully he'll still kiss me on the cheek, doesn't every mother want their boy to still kiss their cheek? I look at my nine year old "little man" and think of him when he was two. What a sweet and tender boy he is.
So many changes. On the other end of the spectrum, my baby is getting geared up for kindergarten. She already has her new back pack and decided to give up her "wa-wa" which means giving up her thumb-sucking... I cannot believe it. She was stretching this morning and informed me that when she stretches she grows, and then on her birthdays, she gets older. She is wise beyond her years, for sure!
I don't want to miss of course, my middle boy. He is steady as the day is long, at some point, I'm going to look "up" to him and wonder where his childhood went. Hopefully he'll still kiss me on the cheek, doesn't every mother want their boy to still kiss their cheek? I look at my nine year old "little man" and think of him when he was two. What a sweet and tender boy he is.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Worship is our Scuba Gear
We had a family worship night last night at our church. It was beautiful. During the course of the night, it was explained to us that the picture created in Revelations 4 is the habitat of God Himself. Just as a fish dwells in water, we dwell in oxygen, God dwells in worship. Worship bridges our habitats, so to speak, so that we can be in God's presence. Sort of like putting on scuba gear so that we can dwell in the ocean with the sea creatures.
Worship is our scuba gear, or our spacesuit. It was a wonderful time with our family, taking communion, praying over our kids and bonding spiritually. Each of our kids came home excited and joyful. What a gift!
I'm opting for a distraction fast this week. No facebook, random internet searches, t.v. or other mindless zoning out. I hope to spend more time journaling, blogging, doing laundry, reading, worshiping and engaging in real conversation with my family. I also have studying and normal house stuff to do, but I desire for my focus to be on "things above" as Colossians 3 encourages me.
Worship is our scuba gear, or our spacesuit. It was a wonderful time with our family, taking communion, praying over our kids and bonding spiritually. Each of our kids came home excited and joyful. What a gift!
I'm opting for a distraction fast this week. No facebook, random internet searches, t.v. or other mindless zoning out. I hope to spend more time journaling, blogging, doing laundry, reading, worshiping and engaging in real conversation with my family. I also have studying and normal house stuff to do, but I desire for my focus to be on "things above" as Colossians 3 encourages me.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I have the best husband in the world...
My husband defines love to me on a daily basis. When Jesus declared that a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church, Jay makes that real. He always puts me first, takes care of me and protects my weaknesses. He always knows exactly what to say, and when not to say anything.
Here are a few examples of what love looks like: Jay always kisses me goodbye. Even as I stay tucked in warm and cozy in our bed, he sweetly kisses my head before he heads out for the day. He knows my need and desire to sleep and he lets me sleep in every Saturday morning without any pressure to get up and be productive. In fact once he asked me, "why do you feel like you need to be productive every day?" He gives me the freedom to take a day off. He never complains that the house is not as clean as it used to be or if he doesn't have clean socks. He encourages me in my efforts and sees how hard I feel like I'm working (not nearly as hard as he!). Recently he took over cooking and grocery shopping. I was buckling under the pressure that normal moms handle every day, and Jay stepped in and rescued me. And then does an outstanding job at it too!
He is always encouraging and uplifting. He says there isn't anything about me that irritates him. I know that isn't true, he just chooses to look past it. This man carries the weight of our family on his shoulders without wavering. I never worry about finances, or other concerns over family affairs. Jay handles his responsibility with grace, goodness, spiritual maturity and wisdom. I am so thankful for the second biggest and best gift God has ever given me.
Here are a few examples of what love looks like: Jay always kisses me goodbye. Even as I stay tucked in warm and cozy in our bed, he sweetly kisses my head before he heads out for the day. He knows my need and desire to sleep and he lets me sleep in every Saturday morning without any pressure to get up and be productive. In fact once he asked me, "why do you feel like you need to be productive every day?" He gives me the freedom to take a day off. He never complains that the house is not as clean as it used to be or if he doesn't have clean socks. He encourages me in my efforts and sees how hard I feel like I'm working (not nearly as hard as he!). Recently he took over cooking and grocery shopping. I was buckling under the pressure that normal moms handle every day, and Jay stepped in and rescued me. And then does an outstanding job at it too!
He is always encouraging and uplifting. He says there isn't anything about me that irritates him. I know that isn't true, he just chooses to look past it. This man carries the weight of our family on his shoulders without wavering. I never worry about finances, or other concerns over family affairs. Jay handles his responsibility with grace, goodness, spiritual maturity and wisdom. I am so thankful for the second biggest and best gift God has ever given me.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tea Partys
Tea Partys are something that I will miss when my girls are both all grown up and gone. They have been a way of life for us since Hannah was a little thing. Lilly was sipping her "tea" fireside tonight, wearing her pink princess dress and her fake long hair. She was so cute. Her imaginary friend, Leah was right beside her and quite entertaining. Hannah and I had black tea with milk and sugar. I forget how much I enjoy a cup of tea.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesdays with Hannah
I love Tuesdays... it is a busy day for me and gets me rolling into my week, but I have the best conversations with my girl in the car. We drop the youngest off at Awana and drive to dance. It is dark and just the two of us, the perfect set for great conversation. This is when I get to hear about all the stuff that really happens at school and in her mind... I learn more about her in the 25 minutes to and from dance then I do the rest of the week.
It makes me realize how quiet she really is. She is tender, sweet, quiet, thoughtful, contemplative and mature. I'm so proud of her, how she handles herself, how she reasons. God has a plan for her sweet spirit. I pray that He would protect her and keep her through any trial that He asks her to walk for her growth. She has a strong inner spirit, but she doesn't flaunt it. She is creative and precious.
It makes me realize how quiet she really is. She is tender, sweet, quiet, thoughtful, contemplative and mature. I'm so proud of her, how she handles herself, how she reasons. God has a plan for her sweet spirit. I pray that He would protect her and keep her through any trial that He asks her to walk for her growth. She has a strong inner spirit, but she doesn't flaunt it. She is creative and precious.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Should I keep going...
Usually it is late at night that I feel like writing. As I am tucked into my nightly hibernation, I let myself process all that is still rattling around in my head. Most of the time, these ramblings turn into prayers, sometimes it is just working through things, conversations etc. I do the same thing in the shower. I think and pray. Not about anything in particular, but about everything.
I was thinking about blogging. Usually people want to put their best out here, I really want to be honest. The problem with being honest is that it is depressing to read, and usually on my not-great days, I just want to hide. I want to stay anonymous, and I don't want to let anyone in. Vulnerablility is a terrible feeling.
I'm going to push myself a few more days and decide if I will leave this out here or delete the whole thing and forget about it. I was "up" when I started it, and truly just wanted to encourage, but this is harder than I thought it would be on the days that I feel more "down."
I was thinking about blogging. Usually people want to put their best out here, I really want to be honest. The problem with being honest is that it is depressing to read, and usually on my not-great days, I just want to hide. I want to stay anonymous, and I don't want to let anyone in. Vulnerablility is a terrible feeling.
I'm going to push myself a few more days and decide if I will leave this out here or delete the whole thing and forget about it. I was "up" when I started it, and truly just wanted to encourage, but this is harder than I thought it would be on the days that I feel more "down."
My messy brain.
After a couple of weeks of on and off again school/snow days, I think we are all a little out of sync. The messed up schedule has thrown me and I've missed three days of working out. It is so hard to motivate myself, especially when the schedule is askew, but then the pain starts and I know if I don't get moving, I won't be able to. I guess I have may have fibromyalgia, but I refuse to accept that fact, so I just keep telling myself that I feel better when I work out.
It does make a huge difference, but it is frustrating that after missing 3 days, I have taken two steps back... oh well. I will choose to not let it discourage me.
I am craving quiet time with my bible and journal, but I also need to work on a paper that is due tomorrow. This is where I get stuck. The impending "have to" paralyzes my ability to put it off for a little bit and refresh myself spiritually. I had set aside time to work on it, but went sledding instead (glad I did!) - so now I need to shake off the laundry, cleaning my floors (salt and wood don't mix), and get it done. But first, my boy has a basketball game today... when I get home from that, I will feel that I need a nap, and so goes the procrastination.
Okay, so this is one of my not so great days... now you know what a mess it is in my brain.
It does make a huge difference, but it is frustrating that after missing 3 days, I have taken two steps back... oh well. I will choose to not let it discourage me.
I am craving quiet time with my bible and journal, but I also need to work on a paper that is due tomorrow. This is where I get stuck. The impending "have to" paralyzes my ability to put it off for a little bit and refresh myself spiritually. I had set aside time to work on it, but went sledding instead (glad I did!) - so now I need to shake off the laundry, cleaning my floors (salt and wood don't mix), and get it done. But first, my boy has a basketball game today... when I get home from that, I will feel that I need a nap, and so goes the procrastination.
Okay, so this is one of my not so great days... now you know what a mess it is in my brain.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Moments of Joy
My mom-in-law and I were talking about "moments of joy" today. She shared a funny story about how in a time of grief, a funny story that came to mind made her laugh - and for that moment, she felt joy instead of sorrow. We were talking about how God gives us little glimpses of joy like that. I had a moment of joy today (or a few)... I was preparing to barricade myself in my bedroom and work on a research paper when some friends invited us to sled with them. Normally, I send my kids out to have their fun and clean up the mess when they come back in. I don't like to be cold, and I don't have all the proper snow-playing clothing for myself to allow me to not be miserable. Well, today I sucked it up and put my jeans on over my pajamas and made the best of it. I'm glad I did! We had a blast and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon in the company of friends.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Two in one day...
The truth is, I'd rather be writing here, than working on the research paper that is awaiting me. I am a full time student, part-time preschool teacher, wife, and mother of three. I can tell you, I don't really have time for this. Maybe it is due to a little case of cabin fever, maybe not.
I just finished reading a book I borrowed from a friend a year ago. Kevin Leman's "Have A New Kid By Friday." This is one of the most practical, quick advice books I've ever read on parenting issues. Here's what he says about shyness,
"Did you know that an extremely shy child is an extremely powerful child? Shyness becomes a way of making sure the adults in that child's life do things the way the child wants to do them. It's actually a form of manipulation." (Leman, 2008, p. 239).
As an early childhood teacher, I am always looking for information on behaviors pertaining to this age group. I find this especially interesting - considering most of the "shy" children in my life are also strong willed.
Something to think about...
I just finished reading a book I borrowed from a friend a year ago. Kevin Leman's "Have A New Kid By Friday." This is one of the most practical, quick advice books I've ever read on parenting issues. Here's what he says about shyness,
"Did you know that an extremely shy child is an extremely powerful child? Shyness becomes a way of making sure the adults in that child's life do things the way the child wants to do them. It's actually a form of manipulation." (Leman, 2008, p. 239).
As an early childhood teacher, I am always looking for information on behaviors pertaining to this age group. I find this especially interesting - considering most of the "shy" children in my life are also strong willed.
Something to think about...
Getting Started
Funny, I had so much to say until I got here. I have to admit, this is a little intimidating! Many people blog because they desire to be known, or feel that something they have to say needs to be said. My purpose in starting this process is to put myself out there in a way that isn't comfortable for me. I desire that my walk with Jesus would shine through for anyone caring to read this and that it would be an encouragement for others who struggle in their striving. I'm not perfect, I don't claim to be. I don't want to be. But, I do promise to be honest.
A couple of years ago, I had the privilege of watching a man come to the end of his life. Dave was a mess in his earlier years and after losing almost everything, he came to know Jesus in a personal way. He began attending our church and played the bass guitar for worship. He seemed like an odd person at first, but he was so joyful. He had a deep soul and desired intimacy with his brothers and sisters in Christ.
One night at Bible Study, Dave shared that he had cancer. To make a long story short, his suffering began and as a church body, people stepped up to help him. I knew that he journaled, and I being a journaler myself was intrigued to know what he was writing about through his suffering. I called our pastor and close friend to ask him what he thought about me asking Dave to see his journals. Cory laughed and said he thought I should ask, Dave would probably like to share them.
The next several months changed my life and perspective. When I called Dave, he was pleased that someone cared what he had written. We arranged a time for me to come and let him talk me through it. When I arrived with Cory and his wife P.J., he was ready for me. He had a short stack of black and white composition books on the table next to him. He told me to pull up a chair and take notes. I had no idea that he intended to read them to me and actually "talk me through" it all. What a journey! I started writing frantically as he read some and told story after story of his life experience. He started at the beginning and moved forward. Several times a week we would go and sit and listen as we cared for Dave. There were times that Dave would be in such pain that he needed Cory to sit and hold him and pray for him. P.J. and I would sit quietly in the corner and respectfully observe these precious moments. There were other times that Dave would need something to make him comfortable, P.J. would always know what to do. She would make him food, clean up after him, help him adjust. And, there were the times that he would just want to talk, and I would listen and write. There were others involved as well. Another sister in Christ would come clean and shop for him, another brother came and played music for him. Music was Dave's soul. Even when he could no longer hold up his bass guitar, he would prop it on the floor and pick it like a harp and worship.
Those were special moments. Dave was honest about being afraid and asked me to keep his story honest. Those months were the visible show of God's hand. It wasn't within Cory's comfort zone to help him in and out of a hot bath to relieve his pain, but God equipped him with just what he needed to serve this man. We all learned a lot from Dave, in our own ways.
It's taken me awhile, but that experience has changed me and I am ready to strive for radical honesty in my own life.
A couple of years ago, I had the privilege of watching a man come to the end of his life. Dave was a mess in his earlier years and after losing almost everything, he came to know Jesus in a personal way. He began attending our church and played the bass guitar for worship. He seemed like an odd person at first, but he was so joyful. He had a deep soul and desired intimacy with his brothers and sisters in Christ.
One night at Bible Study, Dave shared that he had cancer. To make a long story short, his suffering began and as a church body, people stepped up to help him. I knew that he journaled, and I being a journaler myself was intrigued to know what he was writing about through his suffering. I called our pastor and close friend to ask him what he thought about me asking Dave to see his journals. Cory laughed and said he thought I should ask, Dave would probably like to share them.
The next several months changed my life and perspective. When I called Dave, he was pleased that someone cared what he had written. We arranged a time for me to come and let him talk me through it. When I arrived with Cory and his wife P.J., he was ready for me. He had a short stack of black and white composition books on the table next to him. He told me to pull up a chair and take notes. I had no idea that he intended to read them to me and actually "talk me through" it all. What a journey! I started writing frantically as he read some and told story after story of his life experience. He started at the beginning and moved forward. Several times a week we would go and sit and listen as we cared for Dave. There were times that Dave would be in such pain that he needed Cory to sit and hold him and pray for him. P.J. and I would sit quietly in the corner and respectfully observe these precious moments. There were other times that Dave would need something to make him comfortable, P.J. would always know what to do. She would make him food, clean up after him, help him adjust. And, there were the times that he would just want to talk, and I would listen and write. There were others involved as well. Another sister in Christ would come clean and shop for him, another brother came and played music for him. Music was Dave's soul. Even when he could no longer hold up his bass guitar, he would prop it on the floor and pick it like a harp and worship.
Those were special moments. Dave was honest about being afraid and asked me to keep his story honest. Those months were the visible show of God's hand. It wasn't within Cory's comfort zone to help him in and out of a hot bath to relieve his pain, but God equipped him with just what he needed to serve this man. We all learned a lot from Dave, in our own ways.
It's taken me awhile, but that experience has changed me and I am ready to strive for radical honesty in my own life.
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