Survival Mode

I didn't sleep well last  night.  In my dreams, I was running and hiding from people who were trying to catch me and kill me.  People around me were snatched right in front of me.  I didn't see anything graphic in my dreams, just the idea that this was happening.  While this created a bit of terror, I found myself in survival mode.  I was actually even thinking if I was in normal life right now, I'd have a lot of emotions to process.  In the chase however, there is no time for emotion.  I was alone and trying to stay one step ahead of  my pursuer.

While I'm groggily trying to prepare for my day, I realized that this is truly how I feel right now.  I'm surviving, one day at a time.  The difference is that I am surrounded by people I love and I am not alone.  I am pursued by an entity that desires to steal my time and kill the meaning in my life.  This pursuer is relentless to find every nook and cranny of open space that I crawl into and fill it up with dread and overwhelm.

This entity is busyness.  The enemy prowls around on my calendar and in my head and robs me of the time to have emotion.  Keeping me on my toes and on the run hinders my ability to really live.

I'm not sure how to stop this enemy.  Well-meaning people desire to make their agendas my own.  I don't have to claim these expectations.  They may want to accomplish this and that task, but I don't have to be the solution to their problem, or support them in their, "busy makes me feel more productive life."  I want to be intentional about putting things that matter on my calendar.  With eternal perspective as the only guiding perspective, what should go on my calendar?  Time for meaningful relationships and serving others in the ways that God has gifted me.  That is what I would like to spend my time and energy on.

The question is, how do you jump off the 90 mph train that is life?  The calendar is already filled, and everyday there are more emails and requests that command attention to timing and scheduling.  Whether it is my children's activities, my employer, even my church - how do I protect my heart from becoming so burnt out I just don't care anymore.

I don't have the answer, but I've spoken with enough people who feel the same frustration as I do. Some of their thoughts and wisdom are woven into this post.  For all the "do-ers", keep doing!  By all means, I'm so glad there are so many do-ers in the world.  But please, let those of us who might be "be-ers" just be who we are.

I was reminded this morning of one of my favorite verses, Deuteronomy 6:5.  This is all I have to do today, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."  That's it.  Nothing else.  What does it look like to complete this command for the rest of today?  

Refreshed Perspective

Okay, so I am in a much better place now - just a few short hours after the monster moment.  I have to tell you, it is so scary to have it feel like it just comes over me like that.

I took some medicine and went to bed for an hour, got up and went to our small group meeting.  I'm so thankful to say that God showed up.  There were a few people who shared and we all had an underlying issue in common.  Spiritual warfare is alive and well.  When I am in the moment, as I was this afternoon, I have a difficult time seeing it.  Now that I am past it, it is vividly clear. 

It is so encouraging to me to hear that other people struggle with things.  It may not be exactly the same, but similar enough that we can relate to one another.  I am thankful for these friends that God has blessed me with.  Thankful that we can carry one another's burdens, thankful that we can lift each other up to the one who restores.

Living with Purpose

It has always been important to me to live my life with purpose.  Every decision, every direction, every dream comes from the same drive to discern His will for me.  Not that I've never gotten off track and made poor choices, but it is the drive that steers me back.

This is a recurring theme in my life as long as I can remember.  Even though the seasons of my life have changed consistently, the one thing that continues in steadfast determination is this drive.  Every time I find myself at a crossroads, or faced with a big decision I come back to the foundation of what I believe to be true.  Jeremiah 29:11.  He does have a plan for me.  I know, that I know, that I know this is true.  I've even seen glimpses along the way of how He has paved the road before.

My good friend, Brian Rose preached yesterday on two verses in Ephesians.  These two verses had so much meat in them that I felt that it was worthwhile for me to just spend some time in Jesus' presence and process them.

Ephesians 5:15-17

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

The following quote is from Brian and displays a filter-effect in decision making.  Not every decision is layed out for us in black and white.  But, yet we are called to live as wise.  How do we know what we should do in those situations?  I loved this! 

"In light of my past experiences,

my current circumstances,

and my future hopes and dreams,

what is the wise thing to do?"

Of course in the nature of his sermon, he presented various examples of how this could be applied.  I am thinking more personally in my own life and the decisions I am facing.  There were so many pieces of wisdom to take from this message, but the other one that made a profound impact is the idea that our lives are defined by a dash.  We are born - we die.  On our headstone, our life is summed up in numbers and a little bitty line.  I want my dash to be an exclamation point!

Love-My-Life Kind of Day

Every once in awhile, you have one of those days.  You know what I'm talking about, it just seems like things work out well.  You start and finish the day with the energy you need, you feel good, you might even feel happy.  Stress isn't weighing you down, you might have even been encouraged or encouraged someone else that day.  In the end you showed love to each of your kids and as an added bonus, they are all getting along.

Today was such a day.  I slept in after staying up late working on homework.  I had ambitious plans to accomplish way more than my brain could handle today, so I let go of the high expectations.  I enjoyed time with each of my kids throughout the day, even got some laundry done.  In the late afternoon, Jay informed me that it looked like their "guy's movie night" may be working out tonight.  I was able to quickly switch my plans from locking myself away in my room and pounding the keyboard with research and APA citations, to taking my kids out for pizza.

We went to our local Pizza Shoppe.  I love to eat there.  They are never too busy, there is always enough space and it isn't taken over by televisions.  The atmosphere is perfect for playing cards, which we did.  We've done this before, we wait for our pizza while playing Go Fish and Uno.  Hannah and I even ordered our own pizza just the way we wanted it... Hawaiian!

After dinner, and a never-ending game of Uno - in which we all decided Palmer won, even though no one ran out of cards, we drove across the street to Price Chopper.  I pulled up a recipe for chocolate ice cream sodas on my phone.  For some reason, we are all hooked on these things.  $30 later, we have all the ingredients (expensive, huh!), and we head home to start chilling our soda water.  About this time, I'm really missing Jay.  He is usually the fun one, and I am usually the tag-along parent, but tonight, I got to be fun, and I missed Jay being a part of it. 

I know he is having fun with his guy friends, and time apart from the family usually makes us more appreciative of it, so I am happy for him.  Well, the soda should be about ready, so we'll go make our dessert and find some AFV to watch, or laugh at Lilly, because she is funnier than t.v. any day!

Would I Know You?

If I saw you face to face, experienced the miracles that you performed first-hand, would I know you?  Would you have to convince me that you are You?  Would I be skeptical and discredit you like the Pharisees, or would I know, trust, believe and follow like the disciples?

Would I be as loyal to you as I have been to imperfect humans, incapable of healing, restoring, or saving my soul?  It occurs to me how hard you had to work to explain who you were to people who didn't believe. 

Your Word teaches that we have a choice.  As in Matthew 7:24... ²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock."

It isn't enough to just hear the message of Jesus.  We have to act on the message.  That action is rejection or acceptance.  Rejection is likened to building a house on sand.  Acceptance is building a house on the firm foundation of The Rock.  It is a gift, there is nothing we can do to earn or deserve the gift Jesus gave.  (this is grace)  But we have to acknowledge and accept it.

If we didn't have to accept it, everyone who says, "Lord, Lord" would be saved. 

The truth is, I see the evidence of your presence in the world around me.  I have witnessed first-hand your miracles surrounding my life.  And this is enough for me.

Sisters!

This weekend marks the 6th annual Sister Retreat in my family.  My mother and aunt, along with myself and two sisters embark on a weekend of relaxation, spa treatment and as much poolside time as we can get.  Usually we congregate at The Elms Resort and Spa in Excelsior Springs, Missouri.  One year we gathered in Wichita to surprise my older sister with a "Boston Marathon" themed retreat.  (She was running in the marathon a month later). 

The Elms is a special place to us, as my mom and aunt have memories of their grandmother working there when they were children.  It is a beautiful, old, quaint, and fairly quiet place to find reprieve.

The five of us travel from 4 different states to mingle alone, unhindered by responsibilities, or expectations.  We plan for this all year, and before we check out, we put our next dates on the calendar.

This is the most significant tradition we have had in our family, and it is a keeper.  Each year we seem to grow closer and the memories we share mark time as we slowly age together on our individual journeys.  I wanted to take this opportunity to document our tradition, as we are not promised to see the sun rise on our tomorrow.  But for now, the sun has set on another weekend of memories.

For my Mom

I guess it is about time.  I am starting to appreciate my mother.  I know every year, we all say it, and there is some pressure for us to find just the right card and acknowledge the holiday... I don't do well with pressure.  Every May I do the same thing, become paralyzed, feel guilty, apologize for my lack of effort, wish her a Happy Mother's Day, exhale, and move on to start the roller coaster in June.

Mom, I'm sorry.  You deserve more from me than a generic half-hearted effort.  I will choose to get over the fact that I didn't invent this holiday and have no control over it - thus the pressure.  Aren't I arrogant?

And, you love me anyway. 

That's just it, we've had a lot of difficult conversations in my adult life, and you have never stopped loving me.  I pushed you away for awhile so I could work out my stuff, and you waited patiently for me to come back. 

There was a time for me to deal with things in my life that God allowed, in order to grow me.  Now is a time for me to be "radically honest" about some of the things you did that were so right.

First of all, I have never heard you utter a negative word about anyone.  Ever.  Sighing a little frustration about an over-demanding boss doesn't count.  You have never spoken down of anyone. 

You have never pointed out my weaknesses.  Boy, there is a lot that you could have said over the years, but you always give me the benefit of the doubt and let me talk, never squelching my sensitive spirit.  You have told me that you think I'm a strong person.  I have to tell you that you make me feel like a strong person. 

I thought I had all the answers when I first had kids (again, so arrogant), but I'm realizing every year that goes by what a difficult job this is.  Thanks for not giving up on us. 

I have taken you for granted for a long time.. Again, I apologize, knowing that you will forgive me. :) 

A co-worker last week mentioned how much she misses her mom, who has been gone for many years.  I am thankful that I still have you.  Thanks for being my mom.